Girl's little Daddy

I love the shit out my kids. That's why when my ex-wife snapped at my daughter and pretty much crushed her and sent her off to school all emotional-like ... I couldn't handle it. Talking to that woman when her Dr. Jeckyl takes the fuck over has always been a stressful thing to me ... I'd call it problem numero UNO in my marriage to her.

Right - I'm gay as the day is long and my most major problem in my marriage? The emotional-shaped void that woman carries around with her, evidenced in her vacuous stares and detached demeanor. Seriously - it's a tad scary when she gets like that.

Since the oncologists removed her ovaries, the woman flattened out really well. I really thought that her hormones and her cycle were the real culprit at that point. I mean - she was actually ... well, more human.

I saw that emptiness again when she snapped at my daughter about her having gotten a 78 on a math test ... a test that the teacher wrote home about - a test that all but 4 students did crappy on - a test that the teacher wanted the whole class to retake - a test that would not count towards anyone's grade if they improved on the re-take.

yes - THAT test.

My daughter went off to school thinking she had to give up one of her extra-curricular activities - and there are only two, and the second she only just started last week. She was balling on the way to school, and there was nothing I could do to console her. her momma said it - and it was therefore true.

I emailed the teacher about my daughter's grades and the teacher said that she didn't think my daughter's grades were a problem because she currently has straight A's and she expects my daughter to do well on the make-up test. So - I forward this to the baby momma and ask her to call me.

That conversation was like death to me - she was still being stoic and unfeeling and I found within me strength I had lost in my battles with her when she got like that during our marriage. In my marriage I finally just ignored it and laid around all depressed for having lost to some demon (yes, that's how it felt) but when I was fighting for my daughter - I found strength to be just as combative.

I was able to recall a tremendous amount about the past - a skill that usually failed me when she got into that mode. I mean, she'd get demonic and I'd just stare at her with my mind blank ... like, arguing ANYTHING with her was pointless, so why bother?

This time, though - I told her about conversations she and I had many years ago ... how our daughter is an emotional creature and you can't simply treat her that way - how you shouldn't treat emotional people that way period, but that this was a child. OUR child. a NINE year old. And that sending her off to school ... to take the fucking re-take, no less ... in total distress was unacceptable.

I mean, it was easy for me to give up on fighting in my marriage because, well - I wasn't in love with her ... I'm gay ... and I really was just a shell of myself anyway, living a lie and trying to please other people. Why argue to win when you're not really living to live? I didn't - that's what. But today? And attacking my baby? No sir

Or ma'am.

Or whatever the hell got into her.

She called back later that night to apologize to my daughter, and eventually told me that after we hung up, and although she was adamant on the phone that I was wrong, she thought about my points - decided I was right ... and that she was wrong to approach our daughter that way. She even asked me to help her deal with my daughter.

And let me tell you - my daughter is an emotional, caring, considerate child who just wants to do what's right. She wants to please her mom. And I'm really scared right now that my little baby girl is going to be one of THOSE females ... one of the ones who has issues with her mother.

But, baaabbbbyyyyy - your daddy is right here.

Right here.

So, My Mom Knows

This trip to NYC was one of the most stressful of my life. It came with the usual stress that comes with visiting a Latina mother - she's brutally honest, has no filter between her brain and her mouth, and consistently pointed out how much weight I've gained. That's putting it mildly - she called me fat quite a lot. At one point, told me I look like the sky.

While we were cooking thanksgiving dinner together, a Ricky Martin song came on the radio and she mentioned that he came out as gay and has kids. I said, "good for him!" and that conversation didn't go much further - but I was determined to come out to my mom anyway.

Later that night, we got to talking. It got real deep, real fast. She recounted the story of when she was raped at 13 years old - how she ended up pregnant - how her mom and sister worked to get her an abortion without her dad finding out - except that throughout all this, she didn't even understand what it meant that she was pregnant, or that she had been violated because she had been knocked unconscious during the attack.

I'll spare the details - but let me simply say that the "wire hanger" abortion references to days of old? That shit was real. They didn't take her to a doctor, but they figured out how to make my mother give birth to a still-born, at 13.

I began to understand my family's history - my mother's detachment from her siblings, especially THAT sister ... and how a few years ago my mother whacked the bitch upside her head in her own house after the bitch told their other sister not to mention anything in front of my mom because it was "family business." Yeah - well, apparently it took 50 years for my mom to tire of being treated like she wasn't family ... THAT'S why she's still fist fighting at 60.

I asked about my childhood - why did she send me to my aunt and uncle to raise me instead of keeping me at home with my brother? Turns out, postpartum depression is a SON of a bitch and she told me flat out that I wasn't planned, she didn't want me and had thought of hurting me when I was born. My uncle (whose name I made my middle name) insisted that my om leave me with him while she got better.

But sitting there across from my mom - it really did sting to actually HEAR her tell me that she didn't want me. To HEAR her tell me that is wasn't until my brother got into all his gang shit that she felt she started getting close to me. The more he slipped away from her, the more she got close to me. THIS is how I ended up being the grown up in the relationship, you see - I've been taking care of my mother since I was like 12, when she sent me to work and bring home money each week.

At this point - coming out was easier. I was still riddled with that OH FUCK sinking feeling as we discussed my life, as I answered her questioning me about a woman in my life by saying that I've come to the conclusion that I'm just not interested in women.

"Are you gay?"

"Yes."

"ok."

She shrugged and told me how she's always suspected. That she's always thrown hints out there for me ... like mentioning Ricky Martin being gay with kids. She told me that she still loves me, that it didn't matter to her - she hugged and kissed me and said she wished we had wine - because this was a reason to celebrate.

Actually - it was a reason to numb the intensity away. That evening was riddled with more emotion than I thought possible and it was 6am before I felt I had calmed down enough to fall asleep.

But even as I type this, I have to mentally put my grown man on when I think about having received confirmation that my mom never really wanted me. If you've followed JACK into The Refined Ghetto, you know that I've always known that she didn't ... but hearing her say it? That's a different story.

But like I said in my previous post - I'm paving the way for the rest of the people in my family who are in the closet ... just come on out and stop living in misery. It will be ok ... you're not the first one.

I died a little today

I told my daughter that I wanted to make sure we deep conditioned her hair tonight - it was a dry ratty mess and I have this "thing" about her walking around looking like her dad did her hair. I'm a GAY dad, dammit - her hair should be on point. So, this is no new thing - I have been doing her hair since forever. And I've come to enjoy it.

Today she asked me WHY. Why did I want to condition her hair. Um, because it's a dry ratty mess, that's why. So, she called me into the bathroom after she had brushed the conditioner through. And like we've done for going on eight years - I sat on the toilet running the wet comb through her hair making sure every bit of it was untangled ... while we talked. I like those moments while I condition and detangle her hair - we talk about things she thinks about and it's just OUR time.

She had her arms crossed over her chest today. And she kept trying to hide herself behind her arms. I kept wondering what the hell was wrong with her - and then it hit me. OMG - she's growing up. Yes, I understand she's been wearing a bra for the greater part of this year and that she's beginning to fill in those damn trainers. But she's still 8 and she's still my baby girl and I still do her hair!

But, I asked her - "baby, does it make you uncomfortable that I'm in here when you're naked?

"Well, yes."

"Oh - I'm sorry, honey. I can leave."

"ok."

As I left the bathroom, she said, "thank you."

"You're welcome, baby."

I came back to this here computer to ponder what had just happened - and that while I understood this moment in ethereal terms, it was always far off ... and it definitely wasn't TODAY. I sat in front of my computer and waited for her to get dressed and come on out of her room after she was done with her bath.

"Baby - I'm really sorry I was making you uncomfortable - I just didn't know."

"You're fine," she said as she walked off into the living room holding the stuffed snowman she can't sleep without.

Tolerating Intolerance

That Paladino guy who is vying for the governor job in New York State said in a speech that children shouldn't be "brainwashed" into thinking that being gay is normal.

A professor at Michigan State University sent an email telling Muslim students to get out of this country.

Paladino isn't apologizing and MSU isn't requiring the professor to recant a thing. It's ok, apparently.

I've had conversations with folks about how "christian" this country really is - or isn't. I'm told it was founded on Christian principles and by Christians and that this is a Christian nation ... except, I don't see anything Christian in the actions or words of those who insist on ignoring the raping, pillaging and killing our forefathers did in order to obtain this great land from the natives. (You might know them as Native Americans). They say with their mouths that this is a Christian nation and yet say things to the contrary, letting live through them the true American spirit of using whatever brute force necessary to overpower those of lesser number and get whatever the fuck they want anyway.

Christ - the epitome of Christianity, right? - was a forgiver ... was kind to the woman at the well (who was in all likelihood a whore) ... forgave Peter who denied him three times .. etc. etc. etc. He was come to fulfill the law so that we wouldn't be bound BY the law ...

and yet still we have a Sodom and Gomorrah mentality, thinking we can rain fire and brimstone from the skies at anything we deem threatening or "immoral."

But research shows that gay couples raise well adjusted kids. Why wouldn't this "free" country embrace a population that is consistently raising well adjusted kids? Are the straights all over the south side of Chicago doing a great job raising their young?

Heterosexuality does not a good parent make.

Christianity does not a good person make.

And I'm tired of the hypocrisy already. Just tired.

Childing: The kids' side of parenting

The boy
I spent about 15 minutes on the phone with my son - he asked me to guess his favorite Football team. The Colts. Right.

Second Favorite? I just couldn't remember and then he gave me hints. The Broncos.

Third favorite? Omg - there're three? uhhhh -

Look, he's 7 and I don't follow football. Clearly - that's going to have to change. I told him I would start watching so we can talk about it. Seems he spends sundays at his moms watching FOOTBALL. *sigh*

The girl
My girl was acting a fool and really doing things that were uncharacteristic of her. I confronted her about it - gave her examples of her behavior, that usually pointed to her being rude to me. It told her she needed to think about it really good because I was expecting her to tell me WHY she was behaving this way.

later that day, she told me that I always do things for her brother but not for her ... and SHE had examples: I read him a bed time story ... she has to ask me to tuck her into bed ... etc. etc.

Now, that bedtime story? My son ASKED me to read it. I don't do it on the regular now because ... well, folks - they know how to fucking read!

Tucking her in? My son hit the mattress and is asleep in 0.4 seconds. So, I go in there with him to tuck him in. She, on the other hand, gets up to get water ... then gets up to pee, then reads ... and when she's ready to go to sleep, she calls me in to tuck her in.

So, I'm not playing favorites, but clearly she's noticed that there are differences. So, I explained the differences to her from my perspective and that I wasn't trying to play favorites. I loved on her and we talked for a good long while. And I could tell she felt like daddy's little girl again.

The dad
I learned a lot in September.

Happy Birthday Papito

My son turns seven today. I can't believe it - he's my youngest and he's SEVEN!

Today, it's all about him - his affection, his smarts, his sheer good looks, his sense of humor - the totality of him .. HIS day.

He makes me a better dad - and can make me feel so unconditionally loved, like no man can. He is focused, loves his Wii and anything hot wheels ... and I can't wait for him to come home and enjoy the evening with him. I won't even make him go to bed early even though it's a school night!

(Don't tell him mom!)

Because I knew your name before I was old enough to vote ... because you are more than everything I imagined a son could be ... because you taught me the ability to love more ... because you're you ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SON!

Unrequited Like, The Haunting Past and A dog.

I have had my full of emotions for the time being. I've been holding in too much shit and I just about had me an anxiety attack last night for trying to be all things to all people, trying to do too much again ... trying to do it all, bare it all and say nothing .

You know, I do know better. And it's been a conscious effort on my part to put on a strong front. I suppose my mini meltdown was inevitable. I can at least say that it didn't drive me to drink or smoke - instead, I focused on the things I could change and I changed them. I think maybe I *am* gettin' my grown man on.

Unrequited Like
There's no harm in liking someone for who they are, and I admit that I've had me my own little crush for a while now. I'm sure he knows and I'm sure I don't care that he does. I'm not ridiculous about it and I'm quite clear that the sentiment is no reciprocated. My problem is that I've entertained it for way too long in my head and didn't realize how much until there were several days in a row I woke up with him on my mind. Laying in bed there about the fourth or fifth day of this happening, I thought - What the fuck am I doing? And then I resolved to make some changes. Since I made that decision, there have indeed been consecutive days without him on my mind first thing in the morning. So, some progress.

The Haunting Past
My first love ends up sending me a message on facebook. I didn't realize what I was in for when I opened it, but it was a rehashing of his feelings for me, feelings that are some 13 years old now, and I wasn't ready for that. I really wasn't. I was a mess after reading it - because, look, he and I finally got back in touch a year ago to find out that we opined for each other for years and years and never knew it. I loved him - loved him HARD and he'll always be my "first." But did he really need to email me that he will "always, ALWAYS" love me? That I will always be his first love? That he needed me to know that before he asked his boyfriend to marry him?

Seriously - it was a bit of a dramatic, gay, Gemini mess.

(that upset me and left me to cry myself to sleep that night - but you didn't hear that from me)

Financial Messiness
I sorta forgot to carry over an uncashed check from March into my May financial register. It was my IRS check for over $1,000.00. Clearly, I've been in lala land. It came on through the bank like a bull in a china shop. And what bounces? My rent check to my roommate.

I had the money in another account, though, so I handed him the cash as soon as he told me it bounced. I swear to God that was stressful. My mind's just not been right, you see.

The dog
My roommate and I agreed that I would take his dog to Indianapolis and if the dog adjusted, then I would keep him. Except, it was a bad idea. As soon as we got here last night, the dog went ape shit. Oh, did I mention he's a pit bull and my mother-in-law (my roommate here in Indianapolis) has a poodle?

Clearly, not well planned nor well timed. I should have invited my roommate down with the dog for several visits before I brought the dog down here alone. Fucking pit bull jumped on every bed n the house, was up on the kitchen counter and was trying to stomp on the poodle ...

I thought I was going to stroke out right there.

I took the dog back this morning - napped for 2 hours and drove back to Indy. So last night, I drove to Indy from Chicago - this morning drove BACK to Chicago and this afternoon came BACK to Indy.

Smooth waters
I came back to my kids - who missed me as I've missed them. My son seemed down.
"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I missed you"

"I missed you too. SO much," I said and I held him for a little bit.

My daughter walked in the house and said, "I *so* missed this house!"

And then I realized that everything was going to be ok. The dog is gone, I gave my first love my blessing to go get married, I'm working on getting over liking the dude who clearly doesn't care that I exist romantically, my checkbook is balanced again ... and my kids' faces have calmed the anxiety within me that I was sure was to kill me last night.

I love the SHIT out my kids. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't a daddy.