Se La Vie

So, my daughter's painted turtle died this weekend. She was a wreck. We've consoled her over and over again, telling her it wasn't her fault, that we all just handled the turtle so much and kept moving him from tank to tank that he just stressed out. The truth is, the water in his feeding tank was too warm and she shocked his little system putting him in there. But we tell her it's not her fault.

She refused to bury him because bugs would eat him - so I wondered about cremation. I have a "friend" I know who works at a funeral home, so I consulted with him. He said it would be too expensive, but as I sit here and type I realize I never got a price outta him. I should ask him. But i digress ...

You did notice that I called this dude a "friend" and not a friend, right? Well, he was way too interested in me and I wasn't so very interested in anything further than the occasional benefit - so I had to call it off. He was talking about marriage and my meeting his momma ... and I'm like "to me, we're fuck buddies" and he was all upset for a while. But then, I guess he was ok with just having sex and tried to hit me up for a while.

It was a bad idea though - so, it's been a long time since we were ... uhhh ... coital. KIDDING! Intimate. This was his chance to establish a civil relationship with me and instead he said he would come over and hold a ceremony for my daughter and it would only be a "nominal" fee.

Really?!? You trying to get some ass in return for a fucking burial service?

A BURIAL SERVICE?!?

THAT nigga can't event KISS my ass.

Now about the turtle
My brother-in-law brought two new turtles for the kids - they were happy with that, but still sad about Squirt. He was a rescue and wasn't quite a year ... and, as turtles go, their first year is delicate and Squirt was vulnerable.

The two new turtles are older and more stable - a different species ... and we've decided not to removed them from the tank in order to feed them. That should go a long way.

Stress v. Happiness

I've been really thinking about this today, as I was accused of being unhappy, and I wonder if my level of stress is an indication of unhappiness. Is it?

I'm not so sure - I know I have a lot going on - it's budget season at work and the expectations of me amount to that of a two-man crew. (I'm only one person, however, as many of you are too)

I had a leaky roof for a while, the contractor dodged me, I had to put in a claim and make a report to the BBB. Now, the insurance company is suing the contractor and I am stuck making repairs ... again.

My son's asthma is an issue - and it's now attributable to the leaky roof making the fucking ceiling moldy. So, I have that to deal with too.

Lots of debt that I am trying to get rid of - and for whatever reason it just doesn't seem to go away. I'm constantly borrowing from my savings in the middle of the month, putting it back on the first - and borrowing again on the 15th. I'm struggling to get my savings to where it was just a year ago!

A tooth of mine hurts when I apply pressure to it - and I can't get around that when I eat.

Did I mention I'm raising kids?

Yesterday I felt the pressure building in my chest - the well-known sign of my bouts with anxiety. I took a chill-pill and within an hour the pressure subsided. Long ago, I would've been in the ER scared of a heart attack - but nowadays, I recognize anxiety rather well.

So - tell me ... is my contending with stress for a prolonged period (like forever, really) an indication that I am unhappy? I know life could be better - I think it can always be ... but I do feel blessed to have a home, a car, a job, a family.

I do admit that it would be nice to be in a healthy relationship - but I really cannot settle for anything less than a healthy one. And I've known settling - let me tell you. I mean, I even married a woman! I was so fucking miserable in that marriage, I cannot even tell you.

Hmm - as I think about it, THAT was unhappy. And I don't ever feel like that anymore. Not that hopeless, regretful or depressed - it was a terrible 7 year period of my life, trying to be something I'm not.

Hmm, again. I really wonder what that accusation was about. Let me ride out these temporal stressors and reassess on the other side. Budget season will be over after the board votes in June, but I'm done with my submission next week. The ceiling should be replaced as soon as the first good rain proves the roof above it is leak-free. The contractor did ask me for a copy of the invoice for the roof repair - so maybe I'll get that money back. I'll give it a month to do away with a few big stressors so that I can in perfect hindsight better ascertain the correlation between stress and happiness.

The many faces of Mr. Right

Some time ago, I thought I had run into The One. And by some time ago, I mean ... nearly 2 years ago. By the time I had the courage to do something about it, I found that I didn't have nearly the courage that I thought. It was riddled with anecdotes and ummms and such ... and Im not particularly proud of how i handled that.

But the truth is that he embodied the great majority of the things i want in a partner. And that really made me nervous broaching the subject - and well, whatever, there was no reciprocity (as it turned out) and I suppose it doesn't really matter HOW that all clumsily stumbled out of my mouth. I put my grown man on, accepted it and kept i moving. The truth is that I dont care how deeply I care about someone - if reciprocity is nil, then no matter how I *feel* about it, I'm going to behave accordingly and keep it moving. And thats what I did.

However, what I haven't breathed to a soul ... not to him, not to my family, not to my best friends, not even to god almighty ... is this: The thing that made me nervous is both the thing within me that foretold what his response was going to be and the thing that rears its ugly head periodically when I am far from the mountain tops of life ...the notion that I simply do not possess the ability to be loved.

Crazy, right?

I could go on and on about my childhood to cite instances that tore into the fallow ground of my adolescent heart and planted that self-deprecating seed within me - but, i will give a synopsis of the cliff notes version here: by the time I was 10, I knew mine was a pregnancy my mother didn't want, that she tried to abort me and she gave me to her brother and sister-in-law to raise because she just didn't appreciate the sight of me.

Look, Im a grown ass man, a father of two, earned a bachelors degree and then a masters degree and have been on my own since I was 17 ... I am not in somw whoa-is-me place begging for someone to save me from me ... I have dealt with this, I know from where it stems and I know how to talk myself through it when I fall into old ways of thinking. Just know that dealing with that rejection wasn't easy - and know that he doesn't know how hard that was.

The main reason he doesn't know is that people have a tendency to think more highly of themselves when someone is crushed by their disinterest - but this wasn't about him and his rejecting me and about what a great thing I lost when he said he wasn't interested. It was about me ... and my own bouts with self-doubt. I had to fight hard as hell after that not to fall into some matter-of-fact place where i simply chalk it up to "eh - I mean, its ME ... why WOULD he be interested." because that would have meant that my life is meaningless, my love is worthless and my body isnt a temple after all.

Again .. not because of HIM, but because of ME. I had to keep reminding myself that I have made enormous changes in my life because I *am* lovable ... that he wasn't proof that the rejections in my childhood were indications that I lacked the ability to be loved. He was simply just another fool who couldn't see the venerable storehouse of good things within me. like my momma was. I posses the ability to be loved, dammit ... i simply do.

So - what if after all that work ... he gives an indication that maybe he was interested all along?

I didn't eat

I realized a little bit ago that I totally forgot to eat today. As my blood sugar plummeted this afternoon, I began to feel shaky and light headed. I grabbed a yogurt out of the work fridge and added some of that granola crunchy stuff and finished it so fast, I had to have another.

But I'm sitting here realizing that I've been kind of stressed all day - I was supposed to meet with a friend on Wednesday. He got a new place and I was going to go check it out. He was a no-call and I didn't go. I was really annoyed about it and it kind of felt like getting stood up.

I'm supposed to have coffee or drinks with this dude I've been chatting with - I texted him two hours ago and I still have no confirmation from him - and yes, it's 5:30 PM. Kind of feels like getting stood up.

So, you see why I was in a funk. But usually when I get kind of depressive and stuff I eat like crazy. It's strange that I've been NOT eating. Seriously - strange. I'm a bit of a mess in general, I admit, but I pride myself in knowing myself really well and I really wonder if that whole losing weight issue I've had all year is finally taking root.

I wanted to watch what I eat this week and kind of take off the bloat by eating well and not eating within 3 hours of bed time - and then I was planning on hitting the gym (slowly at first, I swear!) next week when I went back to Indianapolis ... and somewhere deep inside, I am supposing, it stuck. That's all I can come up with with regards to my NOT eating.

Because, people, I'm here to tell you ... I can EAT, ok? I'll have to make sure I have a SENSIBLE dinner and not engorge myself since I'm hungry. Must pick at food - that's what I'll do. I'll get something on the way home. And later I'll have some of that leftover bean soup I made. That's what I'll do.

Ok - got a plan. Off to work it.

Tolerating Intolerance

That Paladino guy who is vying for the governor job in New York State said in a speech that children shouldn't be "brainwashed" into thinking that being gay is normal.

A professor at Michigan State University sent an email telling Muslim students to get out of this country.

Paladino isn't apologizing and MSU isn't requiring the professor to recant a thing. It's ok, apparently.

I've had conversations with folks about how "christian" this country really is - or isn't. I'm told it was founded on Christian principles and by Christians and that this is a Christian nation ... except, I don't see anything Christian in the actions or words of those who insist on ignoring the raping, pillaging and killing our forefathers did in order to obtain this great land from the natives. (You might know them as Native Americans). They say with their mouths that this is a Christian nation and yet say things to the contrary, letting live through them the true American spirit of using whatever brute force necessary to overpower those of lesser number and get whatever the fuck they want anyway.

Christ - the epitome of Christianity, right? - was a forgiver ... was kind to the woman at the well (who was in all likelihood a whore) ... forgave Peter who denied him three times .. etc. etc. etc. He was come to fulfill the law so that we wouldn't be bound BY the law ...

and yet still we have a Sodom and Gomorrah mentality, thinking we can rain fire and brimstone from the skies at anything we deem threatening or "immoral."

But research shows that gay couples raise well adjusted kids. Why wouldn't this "free" country embrace a population that is consistently raising well adjusted kids? Are the straights all over the south side of Chicago doing a great job raising their young?

Heterosexuality does not a good parent make.

Christianity does not a good person make.

And I'm tired of the hypocrisy already. Just tired.

Back and Forth

I must admit that sometimes I'm not so optimistic about finding the right guy for me - other times I'm expectant and just know it's going to happen for me. Right now? Eh, kinda down.

I don't know how to explain it - but I do know that I appreciate my mountain tops because when I'm in a valley like I am now I miss them. It happens to me during holidays - even though Labor Day weekend has never meant much to me, I always feel like everyone else has something to do - and I never do.

I suppose that's why I try to schedule something during the holidays to try and host dinner or whatever - but I don't always do it. I made zero plans for this weekend and I've found myself feeling down in the dumps - it sucks.

But I'll bounce back - I always do. I'm teaching this week and being on platform has a way of making things disappear. I get into that zone and it's a good thing for me ... even if what I'm teaching is relatively boring material.

Anyway - I've been texting quite a bit with my date of last week - that's promising. And I think I'm just ready to go back to Chicago. Indianapolis can really depress me.

Darwinism, circa 2010

I read the following:

Typhoon Conson turned billboards lethal on China's southern resort island of Hainan. The state-run Xinhua News Agency said a falling billboard killed a motorcycle rider Friday night

And immediately wondered ... what the FUCK are you doing out on your motorcycle during a hurricane?

*throws hands in the air*

I'm through.