Sex and Cigarettes: Diet and Exercise

I must admit that when I say I haven't had sex since mid-December 2009, I do mean intercourse. The totality of everything else since mid-December is like 4 sessions - and I didn't even let it go very far those times. So, seriously - JACK had more sexual contact in a _month_ than I've had in 12. I do consider that progress.

PLUS - I know the name of each dude I fooled around with. That's a HUGE difference.

It's going on 47 weeks without a cigarette, though - and there I have not cheated at all. I have not put a cigarette to my lips since January 4. In fact, I have not touched one, lit one or otherwise engaged in any inappropriate cigarette touching in all this time.

In these two areas of my life I have seen great progress in 2010.

Diet and Exercise? Stop judging me, already!

Seriously, though, I have to really get a grip on my having given up on going to the gym and on eating healthily. Knowing myself as an emotional eater, I wonder if I shouldn't make an appointment with a counselor to discuss some things. I might need his objectivity, and the fact that I haven't seen him in 3 or 4 years would really make a session or two with him actually FEEL objective.

I am realizing that the issue with my First Love is a problem for me. His asking me for my blessing to marry another man was an emotional blow and while I hid it very well, I can't deny that it's been there bothering me. And as I contemplate how much I've eaten in the last week (under the guise of thanksgiving feasting), I really have to admit to myself that the totality of that situation is a heavy weight.

And it is so because I can't confront my ex-wife about the role she played in keeping him and me apart because we're co-parenting and I really can't let all of that out because when she feels attacked and gets defensive, she's like a cornered opossum ... and I've not intentions on co-parenting with a rabid wild animal.

I really do think that if I see that social worker again and just let it out, confess out loud that I forgive her and really do give him my blessing, then I can really deal with how my emotions about it have affected my diet and exercise habits.

I know it may sound crazy - but I am quite self-aware ... and the fact that the one person I have ever been in love with was actually in love with me too and opined for me as much as I did for him really does make me wonder What If.

What if I had the balls to be out the closet when I was in college ...
What if I actually had told him that he was my first boyfriend, that I was a virgin when I met him?
What if I fought for him?

And while I know I wouldn't have my children and my career and the life i currently have - that I would be a different me today, and that I really do love me ... even tough wouldn't change a thing ... I wonder: What if.

It's time I stop the bullshit and answer the only question that makes a lick of sense: What if I actually dealt with this in the here and now?

I died a little today

I told my daughter that I wanted to make sure we deep conditioned her hair tonight - it was a dry ratty mess and I have this "thing" about her walking around looking like her dad did her hair. I'm a GAY dad, dammit - her hair should be on point. So, this is no new thing - I have been doing her hair since forever. And I've come to enjoy it.

Today she asked me WHY. Why did I want to condition her hair. Um, because it's a dry ratty mess, that's why. So, she called me into the bathroom after she had brushed the conditioner through. And like we've done for going on eight years - I sat on the toilet running the wet comb through her hair making sure every bit of it was untangled ... while we talked. I like those moments while I condition and detangle her hair - we talk about things she thinks about and it's just OUR time.

She had her arms crossed over her chest today. And she kept trying to hide herself behind her arms. I kept wondering what the hell was wrong with her - and then it hit me. OMG - she's growing up. Yes, I understand she's been wearing a bra for the greater part of this year and that she's beginning to fill in those damn trainers. But she's still 8 and she's still my baby girl and I still do her hair!

But, I asked her - "baby, does it make you uncomfortable that I'm in here when you're naked?

"Well, yes."

"Oh - I'm sorry, honey. I can leave."

"ok."

As I left the bathroom, she said, "thank you."

"You're welcome, baby."

I came back to this here computer to ponder what had just happened - and that while I understood this moment in ethereal terms, it was always far off ... and it definitely wasn't TODAY. I sat in front of my computer and waited for her to get dressed and come on out of her room after she was done with her bath.

"Baby - I'm really sorry I was making you uncomfortable - I just didn't know."

"You're fine," she said as she walked off into the living room holding the stuffed snowman she can't sleep without.

Democrats (via rant)

I pretty much expected the election results - I was pleasantly surprised to see that Democrats held the Senate ... I expected it all to go Red.

Look, I am a Democrat. However, those dumb asses in Congress who couldn't get it together over the past two years? They deserve to be packing it up and returning home. Honestly, how the fuck you have the majority in both houses of congress and the presidency and you can't pass Health Care Reform without back and forth bickering, showboating and months and months and months and months and months going by? All you dumb fucks deserve it. All of you.

And it's the ones that get to pack it up and go home that are getting off easy. Those of you Blue dots left in the House of Representatives chart? Work it out NOW you dumb bitches. This is the bed you made - comfortable or not, get to laying in it.

The profundity of your stupidity, of your stupid ass decision making over the last two years is highlighted by the fact that at the same time the opposing party was fragmenting, didn't have a clear leader and they STILL managed to take you dumb ass mother fuckers down. They don't even fucking know yet who is likely to run for the presidency in 2012, for gods sake. They spawned a goiter known as the Tea Party and STILL they beat you.

I've been shaking my head at you dumb bitches since we lost Ted Kennedy and even THAT didn't get you thinking straight about passing health care reform. I mean, really? TEDDY? Teddy goes to meet his maker and you can't even honor his lifelong efforts towards healthcare reform by taking advantage of your majority?

As a democrat, I don't like it - but as a firm believer in karma? Washington, you is gettin' it good the way you deserve it ... long, hard and without so much as even spit as lube. DUMB mother fuckers. My straight ticket vote this time around was really a vote against the red ... it had nothing to do with a vote FOR your dumb asses. You just happened to be the better of two stupids.

Yes - the better of two stupids. That's all you are to me right now.

My one and only hope is that we go into the next presidential election and people refuse to give republicans the type of advantage and control that the democrats have had the last two years and so this country votes for Obama's second term in order to avoid a republican controlled congress and a republican presidency. God only knows what THEM narrow minded, ethnocentric and homophobic racists will do when they're drunk with power (again).

There's my rant.

I didn't eat

I realized a little bit ago that I totally forgot to eat today. As my blood sugar plummeted this afternoon, I began to feel shaky and light headed. I grabbed a yogurt out of the work fridge and added some of that granola crunchy stuff and finished it so fast, I had to have another.

But I'm sitting here realizing that I've been kind of stressed all day - I was supposed to meet with a friend on Wednesday. He got a new place and I was going to go check it out. He was a no-call and I didn't go. I was really annoyed about it and it kind of felt like getting stood up.

I'm supposed to have coffee or drinks with this dude I've been chatting with - I texted him two hours ago and I still have no confirmation from him - and yes, it's 5:30 PM. Kind of feels like getting stood up.

So, you see why I was in a funk. But usually when I get kind of depressive and stuff I eat like crazy. It's strange that I've been NOT eating. Seriously - strange. I'm a bit of a mess in general, I admit, but I pride myself in knowing myself really well and I really wonder if that whole losing weight issue I've had all year is finally taking root.

I wanted to watch what I eat this week and kind of take off the bloat by eating well and not eating within 3 hours of bed time - and then I was planning on hitting the gym (slowly at first, I swear!) next week when I went back to Indianapolis ... and somewhere deep inside, I am supposing, it stuck. That's all I can come up with with regards to my NOT eating.

Because, people, I'm here to tell you ... I can EAT, ok? I'll have to make sure I have a SENSIBLE dinner and not engorge myself since I'm hungry. Must pick at food - that's what I'll do. I'll get something on the way home. And later I'll have some of that leftover bean soup I made. That's what I'll do.

Ok - got a plan. Off to work it.

Yes, Rare Form.

Today I washed down my anti-depressants with a martini. I could feel the three-pill cocktail press and open my esophagus all the way down to my stomach. The martini didn’t really do much but help it get past my uvula without incident. It didn’t even seem to coat anything on the way down. And I liked it like that – invasive, threatening and slow … until they met with the bile in my stomach. The martini tasted all the more sweet when I thereafter raised the glass to my lips, if for no other reason than it wasn’t chalky, lumpy and pushing my insides to do things it really didn’t want to do. It pleased my palette and ran down my gullet eagerly, effortlessly and carefree. It’s crazy how I needed that drink after today … and that I really needed those pills after weeks of feeling off-kilter … and how they really, really didn’t need each other. It’s like one was my black wife and the other was my Puerto Rican mother – in my past life, both were there, both were necessary and the only thing deeper than the river Amazon was their hatred for each other. I’ll let you figure out who was the ineffective anti-depressant and who was the bitter-sweet alcohol.

Rare Form?

I need a new goal - and quick. When I decided to give up fucking (because we're into euphemisms here in The Refined Ghetto) I was able to concentrate on other things.

In January I quit smoking. Have I mentioned to this point that I was one big crabby bitch and a half during the first quarter of 2010? I mean, I was impossible. But it kept me focused on making sure I was being a good parent. That note from my daughter to Santa is still pinned to the cork board above my desk. I mean I was FOCUSED.

Then I decided to train for the half marathon. That was cool. And then my knee got all swollen. That wasn't so cool - but I focused on physical therapy and did all I had to do to make sure I was good. I rejoined my group at the end of the summer and kept going.

Last month, I ran the half marathon. Successfully raising $1200 for the AIDS Foundation of Chicago and crossing the finish line in celebration of that accomplishment and my having quit smoking.

Since then, I've taken it easy - and haven't even been to the gym. The result? If I don't get to fucking soon, I'm going to lose my got. damn. mind.

So, I need a new goal to focus on - and I think it's going to be calorie counting. I did that in 2005 and actually made it all the way back to my college weight - it took me 10 months of that shit. But I was FOCUSED. I may need to do that ...

... or I may just need to suck the skin off a dick.

(oh, I wonder how many calories that is ...)

Debt

When I took a job in Chicago and rented a 1BR apartment here, while still owning a house in Indianapolis, I thought I could make it work. The truth was that while it looked ok on paper, the life I would have to live if I stuck to that paper budget would look like this:





Yuh - so I pretty much lived off my credit cards for a year - and I already had balances, and before you know it I have more than I can pay back. Seriously, I came into this with impeccable credit and multiple credit cards with upwards of $20,000 limits. I'll spare you the sticker shock and not disclose exactly how much in debt I was.

I made this concerted effort to get out of debt. I did not want to file bankruptcy so I decided to pursue debt settlement. I felt better about settling the debt because it's not like I was walking away from it - hell, if the lender wanted to accept less than the amount owed and forgive the rest, then it was agreeable, lawful and moral too.

So, that's what I did - but I still had to shell out a pretty penny, took my savings down to zero, lost my credit cards and today made the last $1,700 payment on a debt that was larger than life.

Now, there is one card with an itty-bitty $2600 limit that I still use and will need to take down to zero, but it's the one that I maintained in order to have SOME semblance of credit. My once credit score of 740 or so is now more like 620 - and I need to show myself more responsible going forward.

So, although I am broke, I'm also free from that mountain of debt. Whew! I had a ham sandwich for lunch yesterday because I ran out of cheese and didn't have money to buy more - and no mayo either. Tonight, I'll have the same dinner I had last night - PB&J. I got paid today, but after that last payment and paying my rent to my roommate, I'll have $10 left. I probably won't buy cheese with that. I'll need it to get back to Indianapolis next week.

The portion of the debt that the banks forgave? That will get added to my taxes as income and I'll owe taxes on it. So, guess who is now having the job take out an extra $500 in federal taxes out of every paycheck until the end of the year?

Right - me.

So, it will be next year before I can start building a savings again - Thank god for stability in my job right now. Thank. God.