I hadn't realized it ...

Last week's date was a decent date by most standards. He was interesting, conversation was good, the food was good - and he didn't try to lick my tonsils when we kissed. He's intelligent, doesn't sag his pants - and he actually owns slacks! Not bad for starters ...

... if you kept up with my previous JACK blog, you know I've had some ridiculous experiences when I was out there just fucking for fucking's sake. And this was a date - like, an actual DATE. And I know it was an ACTUAL date because ... well, I might as well tell you ... I was the one who asked him to dinner.

So, of course it comes up that I've made some significant changes in my life over the past 7 months or so. I quit casual sex sometimes before Christmas - I quit smoking in early January - I started training for the Chicago Marathon in May.

And he asked me a very good question: Why? Why all of these things all at once?

So, I answered honestly. I really did. I have been wanting a relationship for about a year now - and by last fall I was so frustrated that I wasn't in one that I took inventory, and I realized that I knew exactly what I wanted ... but I wasn't any of those things. And I needed to fix that.

So, I've been focusing on improving me so that I can be worthy of the things I am looking for - of the man I want.

Look, readers - that's 100% true. I am quite self-aware and I know exactly from where in the depths of me the last 7 months of my life have come from. But I didn't really realize the actual value of the statement, or of my knowing so, of my having actually gone through with this self-improvement for the sake of being able to be a positive influence in the life of a man who positively impacts mine. I know I don't want no junk, so I won't BE no junk ... but when I told this man all of this, answering his question I found him to be unresponsive for a few seconds.

For a few seconds he just stared at me and I wondered if maybe he just thought I was crazy. Or maybe *HE* was crazy - all glassy-eyed and frozen ... not moving a muscle. And all at once it hit me ... the power of my statements, of the reality of the past 7 months of my life. I've never actually considered what it would be like to TELL a potential suitor all of these things ... but here it is ... and I promise you I was watching the man have a mini brain orgasm.

When he came to, he said, "wow. that's a great answer."

"Well, it's the truth."

"You just became so much more intriguing to me just now."

"Did I?"

"Mhmm"

I smiled and took another bite of my lamb - which, btw was off the mother FUCKIN' chain ... but I digress.

I'm pretty sure I'm in a good place. As I've mulled things over since that date, I've realized that I want to get to know him better - for the time being, at least as much as I would need to know him in whatever capacity in my life. No cart before a horse here ... I just want to be able to call him friend right now and if things happen down the road or no, then so be it.

I do need to tell him that though - and I'll make sure it comes up next time we speak. That's where I stand and he can't just be "waiting patiently" for me.

Interesting turn of events, eh?