The letter

I'm just at home, cleaning... and this song "My First Love" by Faith Evans comes on... I'm not sure if you've ever listened to it. I mean really listened to it. There were many songs that have helped me heal past our relationship. But it wasn't until this song that I sincerely started to heal because I sincerely began to accept what you are to me.

I know we've talked and talked. I know we've seen each other and began moving beyond many things that we've both done wrong, but as I move forward with my life. I'm compelled to open up this chapter once again, ya know to look at the pages.

See, I am going to ask Jeremy to marry me (he doesn't know it yet). I'm telling you this NOT for your approval or even your acceptance. But because you ARE my first love and like the song says "no one could ever take your place". It was only when I saw those eyes again how much I never stopped loving you and I never would. After everything I thought, no. That's wrong, the feeling I had you was still amazing.

Every relationship, hell every friendship, I have based on how I felt for you and how you made me feel. People say you shouldn't do that but my heart didn't care. Im actually proud of that.

Alex, I will always, ALWAYS love you. You were the first person to make me really smile. The first person to truly make me feel sexy. The first person to make me listen, and yearn, ache, and hope in someone else. Such an amazing thing... you are.

I did promise myself years ago that I would make love last next time. I think I truly can this time. But I couldn't in good conscience tell Jeremy how special he is to me without telling the first man to fill and break my heart that I will spend my years and death loving him too.