Monday, April 12, 2010

Introducing ... Alex

Hi all. My name is Alex (not JACK). I've taken off the JACK cloak and stepped out into full visibility ... because, quite frankly, it's time. I'm happy about the decision to start anew, blogging without pretenses and without feeling the need to blame the crazy on some fictitious, made-up me.

Actually, it's funny that I thought I was actually HIDING the crazy by creating a fake person, pretending to be him and blaming him for all of the nonsense I didn't really want to admit was all me. Seriously, it's like putting candy coating on an m&m and then trying to convince people it's not chocolate. Dumb.

But I have felt lately that I've rediscovered me. And I think therein lies the catalyst that eventually brought me to this place where I lay down the JACK. On January 4, 2010 I smoked my last cigarette, for starters. 15 years worth of smoking, and I totally just let it go.

My daughter really got to me when she wrote that note under the Christmas tree, asking Santa to have me stop smoking. My ex-wife, their mom (damn shame I have to explain that), was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and the kids have watched her undergo chemo, lose her hair, lose her breasts and eventually her ovaries [rumor has it she was just fine to give her ovaries away] and their pleas for me to quit smoking so that I would not get cancer were heart wrenching. I decided that my smoking was now an indication of bad parenting ... and I can't have that. So, I let it go. Today marks 14 weeks without a cigarette. And it feels like a new me.

Before Christmas, in December, I decided that casual sex was just not working for me. I've met and slept with a ridiculous number of losers, more than I care to admit, and all in the name of "what the hell, why not!" And then I figured out why not ... because it's loveless, pointless and most of the time they're not very good anyway. So, we're going on about 17 weeks since I've had sex. I don't have a man, so I'm not fucking. It's actually pretty straight forward. And you know what? It's simple too. Now when I meet a fool, I don't have to wonder if he's bedable ... or (if he looks young) if he's mattress legal ... none of it even occurs to me at all. It's simple. "What's up, man" "Good to meet you" and then I keep it moving.

And guess what - I've actually met good people! Good people who stick around ... with whom I can form friendships that mean something. Those dudes just plain rock. It's nice knowing that if I need back-up, all I gotta do is say so. You know, as opposed to having a bunch of names in a little black book that each need a little explanation so that my memory is jogged.

First Name:John
Last Name:(Morris Ave nigga - 2nd Floor, rear door)

Nope, people actually have REAL first names and REAL last names. It's nice.

And you know what - I've actually been enjoying my kids more! Unfathomable, but true. I really enjoy listening to them more, and want them to tell me everything, and their hugs and their kisses are so much sweeter now ... and when they call me daddy and run into my arms, I'm reminded of what is really important.

My kids need to have a father. A father that's centered - and focused. A father who cares about them and talks to them and shows them what love looks like, what family looks like. (because Lord knows I didn't have that image growing up!)

And the bonus is ... If I'm centered and focused, only THEN am I really available to a man to be his man ... and I owe JACK that much. He's helped me realize that the more I let the nonsense persist, the less likely I am to find the very thing I'd like to have ... a dude that compliments me, inspires me to be a better father and wonders where the hell I've been all his life.

Until then ... I've got a whole lot of Alex to impress and to be impressed with.

I'm on my shit now.