Monday, April 25, 2011

In need of a happy place

I'm stressed.

When I got home last week, my first task was to pick up my son early from school and take him to his follow-up appointment to see his ENT. He still had fluid behind his ear drum. It sparked a conversation between the baby momma and I about whether or not this dog in my house (it belongs to grandma, not me) is the cause.

You see, my son's asthmatic. But the dog has never been an issue - the little bastard is a lap dog that doesn't shed, who we keep groomed and stuff for that very reason. She insisted it was the dog and after a while I had to call his Pulmonary specialist - his ENT and even the county health department. No one recommended getting rid of the damn dog.

But I went on a cleaning rampage in this place and discovered that this leak in my ceiling has been going on longer than I though - the area rug is actually beginning to rot and I had no idea. Apparently, all those times I blamed the dog for peeing on the rug? It was the roof leaking. Slowly.

Now I'm caught up in some nonsense with the contractor who replaced my roof less than two years ago - and the roof has a two-year warranty! He won't return my calls, and hasn't since February. I've tried and tried and tried and finally called my insurance company, reported the issue to the Better Business Bureau and still - there's a leak in my roof that is likely making my son sick.

And then it was Easter - and I cooked and cleaned and cooked and cleaned - and I'm just exhausted.

Work is being a pain in my ass.

Men are being fickle as ever - like that dude I met on Grindr who flipped out because I told him before we met in person he's full of red flags. He told me not to contact him again because that was rude of me. Of course - there's no mention of the fact that he canceled a lunch date because "I can't afford it," he said ... or that he texted me "I'm filling out a police report - I'll call you later"

Seriously - those are red flags, bitch.

The house still doesn't look clean to me - the car needs fixing - I owe the IRS some money and I have to spend money on making this house asthma-proof. Pulled up carpet, put down laminate flooring - and the fucking health department is coming tomorrow for that free home allergen inspection from the asthma education center.

I feel like I"m just about to shut down.

It's just too much.

Monday, April 11, 2011

I deserve better

Self-talk here.

I go back and forth between maybe he does and probably he doesn't. While I understand my own propensity to weigh that balance in the "doesn't" favor ... I just stopped myself and realized this:

Why the hell is this such a brain fuck anyway? I mean, really, the fact that I have to wonder is really all I need to know. I can play this game all day, and fill both the pros and the cons columns ... but really, why play this head game AT ALL? I deserve better.

I had two fuck buddies and haven't really made contact with them in some time. Really, the term fuck buddy is a misnomer here because I haven't had penetrative sex in 16 months (yes, I had to count):

You know, really there isn't much they were doing to me that I couldn't do myself ... and I'm pretty good at knowing what the hell I like. I'll just handle my own business. I deserve better.

I have a bit of a confession - I know that I am struggling with losing weight because before I put the weight back on, I was promiscuous as hell. I know how the dating scene works and I know that all the attention I don't get now will start coming on back when I get to about 160-165 pounds. (Sweet Jesus, they wouldn't leave me along!) And a part of me just doesn't want to deal with the superficiality of it all.

But there's a part of me that wants to at least FEEL healthy and FEEL attractive - I really just need to commit to diet AND exercise, because ... I deserve better.