Sunday, November 28, 2010

Sex and Cigarettes: Diet and Exercise

I must admit that when I say I haven't had sex since mid-December 2009, I do mean intercourse. The totality of everything else since mid-December is like 4 sessions - and I didn't even let it go very far those times. So, seriously - JACK had more sexual contact in a _month_ than I've had in 12. I do consider that progress.

PLUS - I know the name of each dude I fooled around with. That's a HUGE difference.

It's going on 47 weeks without a cigarette, though - and there I have not cheated at all. I have not put a cigarette to my lips since January 4. In fact, I have not touched one, lit one or otherwise engaged in any inappropriate cigarette touching in all this time.

In these two areas of my life I have seen great progress in 2010.

Diet and Exercise? Stop judging me, already!

Seriously, though, I have to really get a grip on my having given up on going to the gym and on eating healthily. Knowing myself as an emotional eater, I wonder if I shouldn't make an appointment with a counselor to discuss some things. I might need his objectivity, and the fact that I haven't seen him in 3 or 4 years would really make a session or two with him actually FEEL objective.

I am realizing that the issue with my First Love is a problem for me. His asking me for my blessing to marry another man was an emotional blow and while I hid it very well, I can't deny that it's been there bothering me. And as I contemplate how much I've eaten in the last week (under the guise of thanksgiving feasting), I really have to admit to myself that the totality of that situation is a heavy weight.

And it is so because I can't confront my ex-wife about the role she played in keeping him and me apart because we're co-parenting and I really can't let all of that out because when she feels attacked and gets defensive, she's like a cornered opossum ... and I've not intentions on co-parenting with a rabid wild animal.

I really do think that if I see that social worker again and just let it out, confess out loud that I forgive her and really do give him my blessing, then I can really deal with how my emotions about it have affected my diet and exercise habits.

I know it may sound crazy - but I am quite self-aware ... and the fact that the one person I have ever been in love with was actually in love with me too and opined for me as much as I did for him really does make me wonder What If.

What if I had the balls to be out the closet when I was in college ...
What if I actually had told him that he was my first boyfriend, that I was a virgin when I met him?
What if I fought for him?

And while I know I wouldn't have my children and my career and the life i currently have - that I would be a different me today, and that I really do love me ... even tough wouldn't change a thing ... I wonder: What if.

It's time I stop the bullshit and answer the only question that makes a lick of sense: What if I actually dealt with this in the here and now?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

I died a little today

I told my daughter that I wanted to make sure we deep conditioned her hair tonight - it was a dry ratty mess and I have this "thing" about her walking around looking like her dad did her hair. I'm a GAY dad, dammit - her hair should be on point. So, this is no new thing - I have been doing her hair since forever. And I've come to enjoy it.

Today she asked me WHY. Why did I want to condition her hair. Um, because it's a dry ratty mess, that's why. So, she called me into the bathroom after she had brushed the conditioner through. And like we've done for going on eight years - I sat on the toilet running the wet comb through her hair making sure every bit of it was untangled ... while we talked. I like those moments while I condition and detangle her hair - we talk about things she thinks about and it's just OUR time.

She had her arms crossed over her chest today. And she kept trying to hide herself behind her arms. I kept wondering what the hell was wrong with her - and then it hit me. OMG - she's growing up. Yes, I understand she's been wearing a bra for the greater part of this year and that she's beginning to fill in those damn trainers. But she's still 8 and she's still my baby girl and I still do her hair!

But, I asked her - "baby, does it make you uncomfortable that I'm in here when you're naked?

"Well, yes."

"Oh - I'm sorry, honey. I can leave."


As I left the bathroom, she said, "thank you."

"You're welcome, baby."

I came back to this here computer to ponder what had just happened - and that while I understood this moment in ethereal terms, it was always far off ... and it definitely wasn't TODAY. I sat in front of my computer and waited for her to get dressed and come on out of her room after she was done with her bath.

"Baby - I'm really sorry I was making you uncomfortable - I just didn't know."

"You're fine," she said as she walked off into the living room holding the stuffed snowman she can't sleep without.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Democrats (via rant)

I pretty much expected the election results - I was pleasantly surprised to see that Democrats held the Senate ... I expected it all to go Red.

Look, I am a Democrat. However, those dumb asses in Congress who couldn't get it together over the past two years? They deserve to be packing it up and returning home. Honestly, how the fuck you have the majority in both houses of congress and the presidency and you can't pass Health Care Reform without back and forth bickering, showboating and months and months and months and months and months going by? All you dumb fucks deserve it. All of you.

And it's the ones that get to pack it up and go home that are getting off easy. Those of you Blue dots left in the House of Representatives chart? Work it out NOW you dumb bitches. This is the bed you made - comfortable or not, get to laying in it.

The profundity of your stupidity, of your stupid ass decision making over the last two years is highlighted by the fact that at the same time the opposing party was fragmenting, didn't have a clear leader and they STILL managed to take you dumb ass mother fuckers down. They don't even fucking know yet who is likely to run for the presidency in 2012, for gods sake. They spawned a goiter known as the Tea Party and STILL they beat you.

I've been shaking my head at you dumb bitches since we lost Ted Kennedy and even THAT didn't get you thinking straight about passing health care reform. I mean, really? TEDDY? Teddy goes to meet his maker and you can't even honor his lifelong efforts towards healthcare reform by taking advantage of your majority?

As a democrat, I don't like it - but as a firm believer in karma? Washington, you is gettin' it good the way you deserve it ... long, hard and without so much as even spit as lube. DUMB mother fuckers. My straight ticket vote this time around was really a vote against the red ... it had nothing to do with a vote FOR your dumb asses. You just happened to be the better of two stupids.

Yes - the better of two stupids. That's all you are to me right now.

My one and only hope is that we go into the next presidential election and people refuse to give republicans the type of advantage and control that the democrats have had the last two years and so this country votes for Obama's second term in order to avoid a republican controlled congress and a republican presidency. God only knows what THEM narrow minded, ethnocentric and homophobic racists will do when they're drunk with power (again).

There's my rant.