Reevaluating again

You know, if one person blows you off - so be it. If two? Wow. But THREE? Clearly, I've got to take inventory of all things Alex and revamp. I can't tell you how emotionally draining today has, having dealt with the true colors that folks emanate on pride weekend. To some degree, I suppose I can understand being treated this way - I do indeed live two separate lives in two different cities ... and I choose to drop off from people's radar when I'm with the kids in parent mode. I own that, and clearly, it's come with consequences.

I think I expected people to be more understanding that one can safely expect friends to be. Perhaps it's a bit much to have a friend who disappears 1/3 of the time to a different city - well, not perhaps. Obviously. And I'm going to have to take a few steps back and just chill.

I had a rough week, I admit - My daughter had pottery camp at the Y in the next county, my son stayed at daycare near my house, the boy had karate after work on Monday and they both had swimming after work Tuesday and Thursday (all extra curriculars in the other county, where their momma lives.) To boot, we stayed out past 11PM on Wednesday to watch Toy Story and past 11PM on Thursday to watch Karate Kid - so, it was a full week. And I was drained.

But I drove to Chicago to enjoy pride weekend - and I didn't enjoy much of anything. Blown off of Friday, I dressed up my room instead, putting up curtains and putting on a new bedspread. I ran 9.5 miles on Saturday morning and then went to the pridefest festival with a bunch of people I didn't know. While it was cool to meet new people - I've got to say, it wasn't the same as enjoying the experience with friends. And it weighed on me.

Today was the parade - and I thought I'd see a potential date today ... he didn't call or text until after 5pm, saying he had a hellish afternoon and was just getting to the festivities. By that point, I was already drained, disappointed and damn near dead tired. So, I told him to have fun.

I accepted an invite from a friend of a friend to do the parade today - except the friend of MINE didn't seem too happy about it. Complained about now having to take an additional car, in fact (and I drive!) - so, after having accepted the invite, I bowed out. Who the hell wants to be somewhere he's not wanted?

In short - I'm going to take a step back and slowly distance myself from these friendships. Clearly, the problem lies with me. I've got to admit that the common denominator is MOI. And it seems I'm more of a nuisance than welcomed company - and I really do need to figure out why.

... and having slept 5 hours this afternoon isn't a good way to conduct this reassessment. I'll let you know how it all pans out.

Introducing ... Alex

Hi all. My name is Alex (not JACK). I've taken off the JACK cloak and stepped out into full visibility ... because, quite frankly, it's time. I'm happy about the decision to start anew, blogging without pretenses and without feeling the need to blame the crazy on some fictitious, made-up me.

Actually, it's funny that I thought I was actually HIDING the crazy by creating a fake person, pretending to be him and blaming him for all of the nonsense I didn't really want to admit was all me. Seriously, it's like putting candy coating on an m&m and then trying to convince people it's not chocolate. Dumb.

But I have felt lately that I've rediscovered me. And I think therein lies the catalyst that eventually brought me to this place where I lay down the JACK. On January 4, 2010 I smoked my last cigarette, for starters. 15 years worth of smoking, and I totally just let it go.

My daughter really got to me when she wrote that note under the Christmas tree, asking Santa to have me stop smoking. My ex-wife, their mom (damn shame I have to explain that), was diagnosed with breast cancer last year and the kids have watched her undergo chemo, lose her hair, lose her breasts and eventually her ovaries [rumor has it she was just fine to give her ovaries away] and their pleas for me to quit smoking so that I would not get cancer were heart wrenching. I decided that my smoking was now an indication of bad parenting ... and I can't have that. So, I let it go. Today marks 14 weeks without a cigarette. And it feels like a new me.

Before Christmas, in December, I decided that casual sex was just not working for me. I've met and slept with a ridiculous number of losers, more than I care to admit, and all in the name of "what the hell, why not!" And then I figured out why not ... because it's loveless, pointless and most of the time they're not very good anyway. So, we're going on about 17 weeks since I've had sex. I don't have a man, so I'm not fucking. It's actually pretty straight forward. And you know what? It's simple too. Now when I meet a fool, I don't have to wonder if he's bedable ... or (if he looks young) if he's mattress legal ... none of it even occurs to me at all. It's simple. "What's up, man" "Good to meet you" and then I keep it moving.

And guess what - I've actually met good people! Good people who stick around ... with whom I can form friendships that mean something. Those dudes just plain rock. It's nice knowing that if I need back-up, all I gotta do is say so. You know, as opposed to having a bunch of names in a little black book that each need a little explanation so that my memory is jogged.

First Name:John
Last Name:(Morris Ave nigga - 2nd Floor, rear door)

Nope, people actually have REAL first names and REAL last names. It's nice.

And you know what - I've actually been enjoying my kids more! Unfathomable, but true. I really enjoy listening to them more, and want them to tell me everything, and their hugs and their kisses are so much sweeter now ... and when they call me daddy and run into my arms, I'm reminded of what is really important.

My kids need to have a father. A father that's centered - and focused. A father who cares about them and talks to them and shows them what love looks like, what family looks like. (because Lord knows I didn't have that image growing up!)

And the bonus is ... If I'm centered and focused, only THEN am I really available to a man to be his man ... and I owe JACK that much. He's helped me realize that the more I let the nonsense persist, the less likely I am to find the very thing I'd like to have ... a dude that compliments me, inspires me to be a better father and wonders where the hell I've been all his life.

Until then ... I've got a whole lot of Alex to impress and to be impressed with.

I'm on my shit now.