Sex and Cigarettes: Diet and Exercise

I must admit that when I say I haven't had sex since mid-December 2009, I do mean intercourse. The totality of everything else since mid-December is like 4 sessions - and I didn't even let it go very far those times. So, seriously - JACK had more sexual contact in a _month_ than I've had in 12. I do consider that progress.

PLUS - I know the name of each dude I fooled around with. That's a HUGE difference.

It's going on 47 weeks without a cigarette, though - and there I have not cheated at all. I have not put a cigarette to my lips since January 4. In fact, I have not touched one, lit one or otherwise engaged in any inappropriate cigarette touching in all this time.

In these two areas of my life I have seen great progress in 2010.

Diet and Exercise? Stop judging me, already!

Seriously, though, I have to really get a grip on my having given up on going to the gym and on eating healthily. Knowing myself as an emotional eater, I wonder if I shouldn't make an appointment with a counselor to discuss some things. I might need his objectivity, and the fact that I haven't seen him in 3 or 4 years would really make a session or two with him actually FEEL objective.

I am realizing that the issue with my First Love is a problem for me. His asking me for my blessing to marry another man was an emotional blow and while I hid it very well, I can't deny that it's been there bothering me. And as I contemplate how much I've eaten in the last week (under the guise of thanksgiving feasting), I really have to admit to myself that the totality of that situation is a heavy weight.

And it is so because I can't confront my ex-wife about the role she played in keeping him and me apart because we're co-parenting and I really can't let all of that out because when she feels attacked and gets defensive, she's like a cornered opossum ... and I've not intentions on co-parenting with a rabid wild animal.

I really do think that if I see that social worker again and just let it out, confess out loud that I forgive her and really do give him my blessing, then I can really deal with how my emotions about it have affected my diet and exercise habits.

I know it may sound crazy - but I am quite self-aware ... and the fact that the one person I have ever been in love with was actually in love with me too and opined for me as much as I did for him really does make me wonder What If.

What if I had the balls to be out the closet when I was in college ...
What if I actually had told him that he was my first boyfriend, that I was a virgin when I met him?
What if I fought for him?

And while I know I wouldn't have my children and my career and the life i currently have - that I would be a different me today, and that I really do love me ... even tough wouldn't change a thing ... I wonder: What if.

It's time I stop the bullshit and answer the only question that makes a lick of sense: What if I actually dealt with this in the here and now?

I didn't eat

I realized a little bit ago that I totally forgot to eat today. As my blood sugar plummeted this afternoon, I began to feel shaky and light headed. I grabbed a yogurt out of the work fridge and added some of that granola crunchy stuff and finished it so fast, I had to have another.

But I'm sitting here realizing that I've been kind of stressed all day - I was supposed to meet with a friend on Wednesday. He got a new place and I was going to go check it out. He was a no-call and I didn't go. I was really annoyed about it and it kind of felt like getting stood up.

I'm supposed to have coffee or drinks with this dude I've been chatting with - I texted him two hours ago and I still have no confirmation from him - and yes, it's 5:30 PM. Kind of feels like getting stood up.

So, you see why I was in a funk. But usually when I get kind of depressive and stuff I eat like crazy. It's strange that I've been NOT eating. Seriously - strange. I'm a bit of a mess in general, I admit, but I pride myself in knowing myself really well and I really wonder if that whole losing weight issue I've had all year is finally taking root.

I wanted to watch what I eat this week and kind of take off the bloat by eating well and not eating within 3 hours of bed time - and then I was planning on hitting the gym (slowly at first, I swear!) next week when I went back to Indianapolis ... and somewhere deep inside, I am supposing, it stuck. That's all I can come up with with regards to my NOT eating.

Because, people, I'm here to tell you ... I can EAT, ok? I'll have to make sure I have a SENSIBLE dinner and not engorge myself since I'm hungry. Must pick at food - that's what I'll do. I'll get something on the way home. And later I'll have some of that leftover bean soup I made. That's what I'll do.

Ok - got a plan. Off to work it.

I did it!

On January 4, 2010, I quit smoking. Sometime in April, I signed up to raise $1200 for the AIDS Foundation of Chicago and run the Chicago Half Marathon. On Sunday, I crossed the finish line!

I trained all summer for this thing, taking four weeks off to do physical therapy on account of my knee fucking with me. But I did it - I did all my exercises and stretches and everything I needed to do to get back in it. And yet still, about mile 6, my knees ached. At mile 7 they bothered me. At mile 8 they officially hurt. At mile 9, I walked a lot more. From mile 10 - 11.5 ... I walked exclusively ... and then I just dug in deep and ran through the pain.

The course was beautiful, up Lake Shore Drive on Chicago's south side with a gorgeous view of the city and a perfect sunny, humidity-free day for running. My children were there cheering for everyone and waiting for me at the finish line ... and it was all just so fucking GREAT.

But I learned late in the race that all of my training, all of my fund raising, that entire race ... it was all about the last 2-300 yards to the finish line. I cannot explain the flurry of emotions I underwent as I approached the finish line. I screamed, I pumped my fists, I sobbed (but quickly got it together!) ... I felt proud, happy, glad my children were there ... I felt, EVERYTHING. For 2-300 yards. EVERYTHING.

And then I crossed the finish line, grabbed fists full of chocolate chip cookies and bananas (look, that's all they had!) and stuffed. my GOT-damn. face. Because, BBAABBBYYYY, I was hungry.


To anyone disabled by HIV and/or AIDS and relies on the AIDS Foundation for food, shelter, medicines and support ... I really had no idea what you go through. No idea. I'll gladly sign up again to do this again in 2011 ... and I'll be bringing people with me to fund raise and run.

To any reader who feels so led: here is my fund raising page. If it's a penny, we'll take it!

ow - my knees!

Apparently, your knee cap travel up and down in this little space designed for it. Mine, however, prefer to glide up and outward ... so, this half marathon attempt of mine is hanging precariously in the balance since I develop Patellofemoral Pain Syndrome. Holy bum knee, batman!

Several physical therapists have taped up my knee trying to force my patella to glide directly upward, but that motion is not natural for me, since I've got, on I don't know ... thirty-four years of experience doing it wrong! It's the weirdest feeling in the world to walk with my knees all taped up.

Today, she taped them up again after my physical therapy and I've managed to put up with the discomfort this time. Progress? Maybe. When I asked her if I can run .. I got a very interesting response:

"Until it hurts."

Now, "The Gays" are at the ready to take that comment all out of context ... so, before you weigh in, I've already heard:

"My OB/GYN said the same thing"
"or until the hurt feels good ..."

So, you've got to come pretty good to top those. (or maybe I just did with that one right there ...)

At any rate, I'm sure I look sexy as hell with medical tape on my right knee and a little bit of a limp. All I need is a gap between my teeth and a cane and I can be THAT old guy in the club.

One last thing ...

So, I quit smoking and I stopped having casual sex and I started training for a half marathon ... but I have only halfheartedly taken up the whole eating right and losing weight thing ... I had lost all of my quit smoking weight and pretty much put it all back on in the last month. The yo-yo between 165 and 175 is a mess for me and it's annoying the fuck out me too.

I found out today that my uncle had a heart attack ... again. Yes, again. This, the same uncle who had a quintuple bypass the last time ... yuh, him. He's gotten to eating badly again, not taking his meds the way he's supposed to and stressing out like crazy at work. Really?

My father had a quadruple bypass a couple of years ago.

Soon after, my aunt had a stint put in.

Clearly - I had some fucked up genes ... why am I still eating like this?

So, I'm going to add another marked focus - but I'm not trying to get crazy with it. I'm not trying to get back to 145 pounds (can you see it?) ... My plan righ tnow is 165 pounds and hold steady instead of getting there and then eating at every fast food joint I can name ... Simple plan ... get there (like i know I can) and stay there ... for the rest of the year.

Nothing major - nothing ridiculous ... just something else.

Run, Bitch - RUN!

It's nerve-wrecking to get tested. I know it is. Thankfully, I've always tested negative, but it doesn't make it any easier to get tested. The fear, uncertainty and blah blah blah ... it's still there.

When I gave up smoking in January, I felt like I needed to do something - in April, I signed up to run the Chicago Half Marathon to benefit the AIDS foundation.

I've been training since May 8, running everywhere I go - most notably, across the Woodrow Wilson bridge when I was in DC for business. I also ran along Lake Michigan from downtown Chicago heading south, in the rain. It was just amazing. Last week, I ran with my pace group - 8 miles.

EIGHT MILES!

I had no idea I had it in me. But, apparently, I do. Saturday I run 9 miles. I'm a bit excited about it. Here's my sponsor page with The Team to End Aids:


Take a peek - and if you feel so led ... make a donation to support my endeavor. Hell, I don't care if it's a penny.

I'm astounded at how good it feels to run - I mean physically and emotionally. My feet and my ankles? They don't feel so good - it surely takes getting used to. And the hunger?!? OMFG - I be hOngry as a mother fucker, I swear. This ain't no weight loss program, folks. No, siree.

Well, as I keep on trying to focus on all things productive, keep me in your thoughts. It's been six months since I've had sex and at times I wonder if I'm not just going to accost the next fool I walk by ... and it's been 25 weeks since I've had a cigarette and I wonder sometimes if I'm not going to light one up after I accost the next fool I walk by.

Damn summer.

Stumbling Blocks

Did you know I was training for a half marathon? I've hit the 5-mile mark and while that's great - my team is actually running the 7-miler tomorrow. I feel like I haven't kept up. At the risk of sounding like I"m making excuses, it's simply a pain in the ass to be on single-parent duty and find the time to fit in a 6-mile run.

I tried - I really did. I took the kids bike riding and I ran along side - 3.5 miles later, we were at home and that's all they could give me. I mean, I'm proud of them and my knees WERE killing me, but I was annoyed that I didn't put in my six miles.

Then I went on vacay with them - and I can't very well LEAVE them and go running - so I didn't.

Vacay was great though - we spent some time in Chicago - did the Willis Tower Sky Deck (the glass floor is freaky!) and they met my roommate. Then we went to Six Flags for two nights, three days. It was a blast.

But no running.

I just checked, and I've gained 6 pounds that I had lost and I haven't been to the gym in A MONTH! Seriously, I'm beating myself up right now. I'll visit a trainer on Sunday, though, and get me back on track. I'll also try to get two trainer visits in in Chicago this week. And I'm running my 8-miler with my pace group NEXT Saturday (that is, if I don't die in the process)

Wish me luck

(if anyone is even reading this ... lol)