Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Martinis love me. Watermelon Martinis - mmmmmmm.

I went out after work with some coworkers (and two interns) and four hours and five martinis later, I left. You'd think I'd have issues this morning, but instead I was up with the sun, bright eyed, bush-tailed and got to work at 8:15am!

It seems I really needed that. And it felt good - I feel good, and things don't seem so bleak.



(and for the mini slivers of ice they put in them ... omg, they make me moist)

Chris Brown et. al.

I am not affected by staged tears dramatically wiped away with the back of the same hand that is swung at women. No - I'm not moved. No - I'm not convinced. No - I'm not spending money on anything Chris Brown.

He bites women - I'm through.

Much like I was through with MJ for touching boys. And through with R. Kelly for touching pre-pubescent girls. Nan-uh-one-uh da three of them will see a penny o' mine.

If you disagree - don't bother commenting. I don't care.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Open Mind

So, this dude who is trying to woo me ... I think JACK would have a lot to say about all the things that are wrong with him. I am trying to keep JACK in check, because I really did kill him off. I ain't tryin' to have him rattle chains and haunt me up in this bitch, ok?

Not quite as financially stable as I would like - a little bit more overweight that I typically care for - the mohawk (it's low and tight, but it's a mohawk!) ...

JACK, STFU, carajo!

Alex focuses on the fact that he seems to be genuinely nice - he's intelligent and tells me that it's my own intelligence that intrigues him. He told me he's trying to get to know me, not trying to fuck me ... (and he said it eloquently!) ... He's not caught up in any ex- drama (that I know of) and took a vow himself to cease casual sex and he's three months into it. (I'm six months into my own vow)

So - I'm keeping an open mind. Because when we speak - he makes me smile. Genuinely. I think this is what the whole "not fucking for fucking's sake" is about. He's fun and maybe eventually I can find him intriguing ... maybe in a few months I might LIKE him, like him ...

... or maybe in a few months we'll be boyz and making fun of stupid bitches who wear 4" heels for a walking tour of the City of Chicago.

I'm good either way.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Reevaluating again

You know, if one person blows you off - so be it. If two? Wow. But THREE? Clearly, I've got to take inventory of all things Alex and revamp. I can't tell you how emotionally draining today has, having dealt with the true colors that folks emanate on pride weekend. To some degree, I suppose I can understand being treated this way - I do indeed live two separate lives in two different cities ... and I choose to drop off from people's radar when I'm with the kids in parent mode. I own that, and clearly, it's come with consequences.

I think I expected people to be more understanding that one can safely expect friends to be. Perhaps it's a bit much to have a friend who disappears 1/3 of the time to a different city - well, not perhaps. Obviously. And I'm going to have to take a few steps back and just chill.

I had a rough week, I admit - My daughter had pottery camp at the Y in the next county, my son stayed at daycare near my house, the boy had karate after work on Monday and they both had swimming after work Tuesday and Thursday (all extra curriculars in the other county, where their momma lives.) To boot, we stayed out past 11PM on Wednesday to watch Toy Story and past 11PM on Thursday to watch Karate Kid - so, it was a full week. And I was drained.

But I drove to Chicago to enjoy pride weekend - and I didn't enjoy much of anything. Blown off of Friday, I dressed up my room instead, putting up curtains and putting on a new bedspread. I ran 9.5 miles on Saturday morning and then went to the pridefest festival with a bunch of people I didn't know. While it was cool to meet new people - I've got to say, it wasn't the same as enjoying the experience with friends. And it weighed on me.

Today was the parade - and I thought I'd see a potential date today ... he didn't call or text until after 5pm, saying he had a hellish afternoon and was just getting to the festivities. By that point, I was already drained, disappointed and damn near dead tired. So, I told him to have fun.

I accepted an invite from a friend of a friend to do the parade today - except the friend of MINE didn't seem too happy about it. Complained about now having to take an additional car, in fact (and I drive!) - so, after having accepted the invite, I bowed out. Who the hell wants to be somewhere he's not wanted?

In short - I'm going to take a step back and slowly distance myself from these friendships. Clearly, the problem lies with me. I've got to admit that the common denominator is MOI. And it seems I'm more of a nuisance than welcomed company - and I really do need to figure out why.

... and having slept 5 hours this afternoon isn't a good way to conduct this reassessment. I'll let you know how it all pans out.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Run, Bitch - RUN!

It's nerve-wrecking to get tested. I know it is. Thankfully, I've always tested negative, but it doesn't make it any easier to get tested. The fear, uncertainty and blah blah blah ... it's still there.

When I gave up smoking in January, I felt like I needed to do something - in April, I signed up to run the Chicago Half Marathon to benefit the AIDS foundation.

I've been training since May 8, running everywhere I go - most notably, across the Woodrow Wilson bridge when I was in DC for business. I also ran along Lake Michigan from downtown Chicago heading south, in the rain. It was just amazing. Last week, I ran with my pace group - 8 miles.


I had no idea I had it in me. But, apparently, I do. Saturday I run 9 miles. I'm a bit excited about it. Here's my sponsor page with The Team to End Aids:

Take a peek - and if you feel so led ... make a donation to support my endeavor. Hell, I don't care if it's a penny.

I'm astounded at how good it feels to run - I mean physically and emotionally. My feet and my ankles? They don't feel so good - it surely takes getting used to. And the hunger?!? OMFG - I be hOngry as a mother fucker, I swear. This ain't no weight loss program, folks. No, siree.

Well, as I keep on trying to focus on all things productive, keep me in your thoughts. It's been six months since I've had sex and at times I wonder if I'm not just going to accost the next fool I walk by ... and it's been 25 weeks since I've had a cigarette and I wonder sometimes if I'm not going to light one up after I accost the next fool I walk by.

Damn summer.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

You too?!?

Remember my last post? There must be something in the air. Maybe it's the onset of summer. While I do find myself thinking about a relationship a lot nowadays, it's been that way for about six months now. But within the last three weeks, three dudes have said they're looking and are ready or are lonely and want it ... or miss it and want it.

Is this what summer does? It's new to me because up until this point summer just meant I had to wait longer until night fall to go and get some NSA dick. Hmmmm - it's a whole new world as a grown up.

(i don't think i like it)

Monday, June 14, 2010

Chain reactions

It seems I always like the wrong people. I've cleared my head of the nonsense that was my misplaced intrigue and here comes along a blast from the past, hitting me up and all but asking me to be his. But I'm not feeling him that way, so I tell him so.

"Why not?"

What the fuck ... I have to explain this shit? He tells me that he's husband material, and I can't think of something more subjective right now. Look, I don't care if you think you're husband material, I'm just not that into you.

Problem is, I suppose, that I've slept with him before. And unbeknown to me, it's been something he can't shake. What?!? Well, DAYUM.

He knows I'm not doing casual sex, but he insists on being "the first one." I asked what that meant and he means he wants to be the one to have me first after my long wait. So, it's about the sex ... I get it. The sex is good, so now you'll tell me that you want a relationship because you know I'm not on the casual sex bit.

I got this one figured out.

Except, tonight he starts texting about how he's been lonely and wants to be in a relationship again and I try to be a friend and tell him that it takes time, that you don't come out of a 17 year relationship and adopt a single man's world view immediately. And this is for real - he's really going through it ... and REALLY wants me to be his man.

So, I didn't have this one figured out.

The reality is that he's confused - still trying to see the world from the eyes of the man he now is and not the man he was for 17 years, partnered and such.

I'm trying to be a friend here, but I'm finding it difficult because I'm afraid he'll become attached to me emotionally ... wait. Is he already? Damn, I haven't seen him in eight months; this is nuts.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Stumbling Blocks

Did you know I was training for a half marathon? I've hit the 5-mile mark and while that's great - my team is actually running the 7-miler tomorrow. I feel like I haven't kept up. At the risk of sounding like I"m making excuses, it's simply a pain in the ass to be on single-parent duty and find the time to fit in a 6-mile run.

I tried - I really did. I took the kids bike riding and I ran along side - 3.5 miles later, we were at home and that's all they could give me. I mean, I'm proud of them and my knees WERE killing me, but I was annoyed that I didn't put in my six miles.

Then I went on vacay with them - and I can't very well LEAVE them and go running - so I didn't.

Vacay was great though - we spent some time in Chicago - did the Willis Tower Sky Deck (the glass floor is freaky!) and they met my roommate. Then we went to Six Flags for two nights, three days. It was a blast.

But no running.

I just checked, and I've gained 6 pounds that I had lost and I haven't been to the gym in A MONTH! Seriously, I'm beating myself up right now. I'll visit a trainer on Sunday, though, and get me back on track. I'll also try to get two trainer visits in in Chicago this week. And I'm running my 8-miler with my pace group NEXT Saturday (that is, if I don't die in the process)

Wish me luck

(if anyone is even reading this ... lol)