Stress v. Happiness

I've been really thinking about this today, as I was accused of being unhappy, and I wonder if my level of stress is an indication of unhappiness. Is it?

I'm not so sure - I know I have a lot going on - it's budget season at work and the expectations of me amount to that of a two-man crew. (I'm only one person, however, as many of you are too)

I had a leaky roof for a while, the contractor dodged me, I had to put in a claim and make a report to the BBB. Now, the insurance company is suing the contractor and I am stuck making repairs ... again.

My son's asthma is an issue - and it's now attributable to the leaky roof making the fucking ceiling moldy. So, I have that to deal with too.

Lots of debt that I am trying to get rid of - and for whatever reason it just doesn't seem to go away. I'm constantly borrowing from my savings in the middle of the month, putting it back on the first - and borrowing again on the 15th. I'm struggling to get my savings to where it was just a year ago!

A tooth of mine hurts when I apply pressure to it - and I can't get around that when I eat.

Did I mention I'm raising kids?

Yesterday I felt the pressure building in my chest - the well-known sign of my bouts with anxiety. I took a chill-pill and within an hour the pressure subsided. Long ago, I would've been in the ER scared of a heart attack - but nowadays, I recognize anxiety rather well.

So - tell me ... is my contending with stress for a prolonged period (like forever, really) an indication that I am unhappy? I know life could be better - I think it can always be ... but I do feel blessed to have a home, a car, a job, a family.

I do admit that it would be nice to be in a healthy relationship - but I really cannot settle for anything less than a healthy one. And I've known settling - let me tell you. I mean, I even married a woman! I was so fucking miserable in that marriage, I cannot even tell you.

Hmm - as I think about it, THAT was unhappy. And I don't ever feel like that anymore. Not that hopeless, regretful or depressed - it was a terrible 7 year period of my life, trying to be something I'm not.

Hmm, again. I really wonder what that accusation was about. Let me ride out these temporal stressors and reassess on the other side. Budget season will be over after the board votes in June, but I'm done with my submission next week. The ceiling should be replaced as soon as the first good rain proves the roof above it is leak-free. The contractor did ask me for a copy of the invoice for the roof repair - so maybe I'll get that money back. I'll give it a month to do away with a few big stressors so that I can in perfect hindsight better ascertain the correlation between stress and happiness.

In need of a happy place

I'm stressed.

When I got home last week, my first task was to pick up my son early from school and take him to his follow-up appointment to see his ENT. He still had fluid behind his ear drum. It sparked a conversation between the baby momma and I about whether or not this dog in my house (it belongs to grandma, not me) is the cause.

You see, my son's asthmatic. But the dog has never been an issue - the little bastard is a lap dog that doesn't shed, who we keep groomed and stuff for that very reason. She insisted it was the dog and after a while I had to call his Pulmonary specialist - his ENT and even the county health department. No one recommended getting rid of the damn dog.

But I went on a cleaning rampage in this place and discovered that this leak in my ceiling has been going on longer than I though - the area rug is actually beginning to rot and I had no idea. Apparently, all those times I blamed the dog for peeing on the rug? It was the roof leaking. Slowly.

Now I'm caught up in some nonsense with the contractor who replaced my roof less than two years ago - and the roof has a two-year warranty! He won't return my calls, and hasn't since February. I've tried and tried and tried and finally called my insurance company, reported the issue to the Better Business Bureau and still - there's a leak in my roof that is likely making my son sick.

And then it was Easter - and I cooked and cleaned and cooked and cleaned - and I'm just exhausted.

Work is being a pain in my ass.

Men are being fickle as ever - like that dude I met on Grindr who flipped out because I told him before we met in person he's full of red flags. He told me not to contact him again because that was rude of me. Of course - there's no mention of the fact that he canceled a lunch date because "I can't afford it," he said ... or that he texted me "I'm filling out a police report - I'll call you later"

Seriously - those are red flags, bitch.

The house still doesn't look clean to me - the car needs fixing - I owe the IRS some money and I have to spend money on making this house asthma-proof. Pulled up carpet, put down laminate flooring - and the fucking health department is coming tomorrow for that free home allergen inspection from the asthma education center.

I feel like I"m just about to shut down.

It's just too much.

Martinis

Martinis love me. Watermelon Martinis - mmmmmmm.

I went out after work with some coworkers (and two interns) and four hours and five martinis later, I left. You'd think I'd have issues this morning, but instead I was up with the sun, bright eyed, bush-tailed and got to work at 8:15am!

It seems I really needed that. And it felt good - I feel good, and things don't seem so bleak.

YAY!!!!!!

HOORAY FOR WATERMELON MARTINIS!

(and for the mini slivers of ice they put in them ... omg, they make me moist)

Reevaluating again

You know, if one person blows you off - so be it. If two? Wow. But THREE? Clearly, I've got to take inventory of all things Alex and revamp. I can't tell you how emotionally draining today has, having dealt with the true colors that folks emanate on pride weekend. To some degree, I suppose I can understand being treated this way - I do indeed live two separate lives in two different cities ... and I choose to drop off from people's radar when I'm with the kids in parent mode. I own that, and clearly, it's come with consequences.

I think I expected people to be more understanding that one can safely expect friends to be. Perhaps it's a bit much to have a friend who disappears 1/3 of the time to a different city - well, not perhaps. Obviously. And I'm going to have to take a few steps back and just chill.

I had a rough week, I admit - My daughter had pottery camp at the Y in the next county, my son stayed at daycare near my house, the boy had karate after work on Monday and they both had swimming after work Tuesday and Thursday (all extra curriculars in the other county, where their momma lives.) To boot, we stayed out past 11PM on Wednesday to watch Toy Story and past 11PM on Thursday to watch Karate Kid - so, it was a full week. And I was drained.

But I drove to Chicago to enjoy pride weekend - and I didn't enjoy much of anything. Blown off of Friday, I dressed up my room instead, putting up curtains and putting on a new bedspread. I ran 9.5 miles on Saturday morning and then went to the pridefest festival with a bunch of people I didn't know. While it was cool to meet new people - I've got to say, it wasn't the same as enjoying the experience with friends. And it weighed on me.

Today was the parade - and I thought I'd see a potential date today ... he didn't call or text until after 5pm, saying he had a hellish afternoon and was just getting to the festivities. By that point, I was already drained, disappointed and damn near dead tired. So, I told him to have fun.

I accepted an invite from a friend of a friend to do the parade today - except the friend of MINE didn't seem too happy about it. Complained about now having to take an additional car, in fact (and I drive!) - so, after having accepted the invite, I bowed out. Who the hell wants to be somewhere he's not wanted?

In short - I'm going to take a step back and slowly distance myself from these friendships. Clearly, the problem lies with me. I've got to admit that the common denominator is MOI. And it seems I'm more of a nuisance than welcomed company - and I really do need to figure out why.

... and having slept 5 hours this afternoon isn't a good way to conduct this reassessment. I'll let you know how it all pans out.

Emotional IQ

I must admit that my emotional intelligence quotient had lagged behind the rest of me by at least a decade. I remember college well, in that I spent a LOT of time crying and moping and letting everything fester. When I lost my first love, I hit the lowest low I thought possible. I opined for many years. MANY.

And then there was my divorce - I was riddled with Christian guilt, couldn't figure out how to get out of a marriage I didn't want but that God wouldn't let me out of ... couldn't figure out how to enjoy my sexuality without making Jesus cry ... so instead, I had a melt down.

Suicidal ideations began at that time and I caught myself (Mainly because I just don't want to die!) and had to figure out how to get it all together. I was bluntly honest about things at that time and I was able to get through it. I bottled in a lot of issues and let it all out that one day when I had a nervous breakdown of sorts ... my then-wife took me to the stress center and I ended up seeing a counselor for some time thereafter to get it all situated and get my head on straight.

Funny, though, that I didn't realize how far I'd come with regard to my emotional IQ. Over the past 6 months I've been dealing with feelings for two very different people ... feelings that I had decided a while ago were just completely misplaced. So, I said nothing. I dealt with it in that very same way I learned how to from my counselor from back in the day (it's been YEARS since I've seen him and his shit STILL works!).

Recently there was one little small issue I needed resolved, and it's done. I got what I needed and after one day of feeling bad about it, I'm good to go.

No tears - no whining ... no nothing. Just a clear head, a sound mind and a newfound realization about how much I love me, how much I can handle and how far I've come in determining what's important to stress over and what is simply not an issue.

... of course, my kids are with they momma in Orlando and I thought I was going to have a heart attack that morning knowing they were surrounded by aircraft grade aluminum shooting through the sky without me. I don't care what ANYBODY says ... I'll always be an emotional wreck when it comes to them. I so love my babies.

Did I actually grow up? Wow. 21 weeks without a cig, 5+ months without sex ... I've taken up running (half marathon in September!) ... and I'm growed up? Who knew!

The Finishing Touches

I have been working on my plan to be debt free by the time I'm 40. It's taken some real patience that I simply don't have. Whle talking to a friend, it occurred to me that I could borrow money from my 401(K) and pay MYSELF back.

I looked into it and I think it will keep a lot of nonsense at bay. So, I'm in the process of borrowing about 30% of the current value of my portfolio, to be completely paid back by the time I'm 39. I'm not sure why I didn't think of it sooner. The payments are so much more doable and I'm paying MYSELF back with interest and really it makes no sense to have all that money sitting there making 2% in the current market when I'm now paying upwards of 15-20% to carry balances on credit cards.

Once this process is done (by July 1, for sure) my stress level will decline considerably.

It all came to a head when I freaked out at my monthly payments to credit cards and how much I owe and I immediately wanted a cigarette. I'm 20 weeks since my last cigarette, after being a fiend for a cigarette for 15 years, and this cannot be the catalyst that takes me backwards. Towards that end, folks, my borrowing from my 401(K) is a good idea. I can't, I can't, I CAN'T become a smoker again.

AND, it gets me all out of unsecured debt by age 40. Good. (And truth be told, I don't see a stark rise in the markets now that the Gulf of Mexico is actually a sludge of gunk)

Now, I've GOT to get my arms around my own budget and I've GOT to stick to it. I'm going to focus n that next and really budget my expenses, which quickly got out of hand the last 2 years as I tried to juggle living in two cities by spending on a whim and without thought.

If you've got any budgeting ideas, share them. But please keep in mind that I prefer to use spreadsheets because I'm good at them and if I add another thing to do (like learn a new software program) I might lose my mind ....

Unrequited Like, The Haunting Past and A dog.

I have had my full of emotions for the time being. I've been holding in too much shit and I just about had me an anxiety attack last night for trying to be all things to all people, trying to do too much again ... trying to do it all, bare it all and say nothing .

You know, I do know better. And it's been a conscious effort on my part to put on a strong front. I suppose my mini meltdown was inevitable. I can at least say that it didn't drive me to drink or smoke - instead, I focused on the things I could change and I changed them. I think maybe I *am* gettin' my grown man on.

Unrequited Like
There's no harm in liking someone for who they are, and I admit that I've had me my own little crush for a while now. I'm sure he knows and I'm sure I don't care that he does. I'm not ridiculous about it and I'm quite clear that the sentiment is no reciprocated. My problem is that I've entertained it for way too long in my head and didn't realize how much until there were several days in a row I woke up with him on my mind. Laying in bed there about the fourth or fifth day of this happening, I thought - What the fuck am I doing? And then I resolved to make some changes. Since I made that decision, there have indeed been consecutive days without him on my mind first thing in the morning. So, some progress.

The Haunting Past
My first love ends up sending me a message on facebook. I didn't realize what I was in for when I opened it, but it was a rehashing of his feelings for me, feelings that are some 13 years old now, and I wasn't ready for that. I really wasn't. I was a mess after reading it - because, look, he and I finally got back in touch a year ago to find out that we opined for each other for years and years and never knew it. I loved him - loved him HARD and he'll always be my "first." But did he really need to email me that he will "always, ALWAYS" love me? That I will always be his first love? That he needed me to know that before he asked his boyfriend to marry him?

Seriously - it was a bit of a dramatic, gay, Gemini mess.

(that upset me and left me to cry myself to sleep that night - but you didn't hear that from me)

Financial Messiness
I sorta forgot to carry over an uncashed check from March into my May financial register. It was my IRS check for over $1,000.00. Clearly, I've been in lala land. It came on through the bank like a bull in a china shop. And what bounces? My rent check to my roommate.

I had the money in another account, though, so I handed him the cash as soon as he told me it bounced. I swear to God that was stressful. My mind's just not been right, you see.

The dog
My roommate and I agreed that I would take his dog to Indianapolis and if the dog adjusted, then I would keep him. Except, it was a bad idea. As soon as we got here last night, the dog went ape shit. Oh, did I mention he's a pit bull and my mother-in-law (my roommate here in Indianapolis) has a poodle?

Clearly, not well planned nor well timed. I should have invited my roommate down with the dog for several visits before I brought the dog down here alone. Fucking pit bull jumped on every bed n the house, was up on the kitchen counter and was trying to stomp on the poodle ...

I thought I was going to stroke out right there.

I took the dog back this morning - napped for 2 hours and drove back to Indy. So last night, I drove to Indy from Chicago - this morning drove BACK to Chicago and this afternoon came BACK to Indy.

Smooth waters
I came back to my kids - who missed me as I've missed them. My son seemed down.
"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I missed you"

"I missed you too. SO much," I said and I held him for a little bit.

My daughter walked in the house and said, "I *so* missed this house!"

And then I realized that everything was going to be ok. The dog is gone, I gave my first love my blessing to go get married, I'm working on getting over liking the dude who clearly doesn't care that I exist romantically, my checkbook is balanced again ... and my kids' faces have calmed the anxiety within me that I was sure was to kill me last night.

I love the SHIT out my kids. I don't know what I would do if I wasn't a daddy.