Thursday, March 10, 2011

Emotional intelligent quotient on the rise

There was a time in my life when I couldn't handle shit. I was always emotional, crying and hated when shit didn't go my way. No one ever saw that side of me unless they were in my inner circle. To the world at large, I was hard as a rock, impenetrable and stoic even. But I would break down when I was on my own. I happen to have a pretty decent IQ, but emotionally? It's my Achilles heel.

Or so I thought.

It just occurred to me this evening that I'm amidst a pretty complicated situation and handling it with amazing levity. I don't really feel emotionally torn up about it ... But the old me would've been distraught and crying and seeking thejadednyer's ear and shoulder. (I don't know how she's put up with me for so long). But I'm not ... But I have a few things to get off my chest just the same:

Thejadednyer (google her ... Her blog is great and she's one of my bestest besties and has known me for longer than I care to admit.) had once told me that I just keep going on out there dating even after all the shit I've been through. And, if there's one difference between her and I ... It's that I refuse to be jaded.

For me, look - i have been cheated on, yes: but I have never cheated. Never.

I have been dragged through court on ridiculous charges that were totally dropped 1 hour before court was in session - but I have never treated someone unfairly.

I have known love and lost love and know what it's like to be hurt ... But in the end, it really was good for me.

But I will not be jaded ... My experiences are what they are ... And I have gleaned from them every drop of educative benefit that I could ... And I have walked away from what was left over a better person ... And ready to try again.

But let me get indignant for a second: I refuse ... REFUSE to give any one of my ex's one IOTA more of my life. If I stay paralyzed by indecision, but the fear to move on, of getting hurt ... Well, I continue to give him control over me. Really?! He'll to the mutha fucking naw.

So, my refusal to be jaded ... The thing that keeps me moving forward and ready to try again ... And again ... And again? It's this: I will not live in bondage to an ex.

Naan uh one of em.