Monday, August 15, 2011

It gets better

If you read "The Letter," you know that my ex- and first love emailed me to lay out his feelings for me, to confess that he would ALWAYS love me ... you know, while also telling me that he was getting married.

It took me a while to get over that email. In fact, I read it now and I can't say it's yet void of emotions for me. Certainly, however, it's more like pushing on a week-old bruise now. At the time, it was more like snapping a femur, breaking the skin and bleeding out.

While on the phone addressing that letter, I get an invitation to the wedding and an insistence that I bring a date. I said I would bring Jaded. He insisted I have a man on my arm. I said I would bring Jaded. And she agreed to go with me! So, I took it seriously. I mean, I asked Jaded to go with me and everything!

But we didn't go. Actually, I didn't find out about the wedding date until the day before when I deciphered it from a FB post. I was upset - I figured that an invitation that came with such flair and drama should be equally dramatic to cancel. But it wasn't - and I didn't know why. I chose to congratulate him and let him have his wedding, honeymoon and all that without the crazy ex- murkying shit up.

I wasn't going to be THAT guy.

Eventually, however, I addressed it. Because, as I pointed out, I deserved to know that I was being disinvited - was it a smaller affair than originally expected? I could understand that it was being kept small. Did the husband protest? I should know that he has such protests, considering we are in each others' phones and are friends on FB. Did he think I would act out? Seriously - I'm not THAT guy! Or maybe he just forgot - and in that case, I should tell him that's fucked up (because I *am* the dude that confronts people!) Whatever - I thought he thought better of me than to just ignore me and avoid the issue. I mean - we certainly have discussed more disheartening topics.

But - no. It was something I didn't expect. He deliberately didn't invite me and deliberately avoided the issue. WTF! I mean - didn't you WRITE that last letter?

Yes - and he also realized that his feelings for me aren't just in the past. They're in the here and now. As in ON TODAY.

And because of that he couldn't have me there while he took vows and married someone else.

(Is this really my reality right now? IS IT?!? FML)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The letter

I'm just at home, cleaning... and this song "My First Love" by Faith Evans comes on... I'm not sure if you've ever listened to it. I mean really listened to it. There were many songs that have helped me heal past our relationship. But it wasn't until this song that I sincerely started to heal because I sincerely began to accept what you are to me.

I know we've talked and talked. I know we've seen each other and began moving beyond many things that we've both done wrong, but as I move forward with my life. I'm compelled to open up this chapter once again, ya know to look at the pages.

See, I am going to ask Jeremy to marry me (he doesn't know it yet). I'm telling you this NOT for your approval or even your acceptance. But because you ARE my first love and like the song says "no one could ever take your place". It was only when I saw those eyes again how much I never stopped loving you and I never would. After everything I thought, no. That's wrong, the feeling I had you was still amazing.

Every relationship, hell every friendship, I have based on how I felt for you and how you made me feel. People say you shouldn't do that but my heart didn't care. Im actually proud of that.

Alex, I will always, ALWAYS love you. You were the first person to make me really smile. The first person to truly make me feel sexy. The first person to make me listen, and yearn, ache, and hope in someone else. Such an amazing thing... you are.

I did promise myself years ago that I would make love last next time. I think I truly can this time. But I couldn't in good conscience tell Jeremy how special he is to me without telling the first man to fill and break my heart that I will spend my years and death loving him too.