I deserve better

Self-talk here.

I go back and forth between maybe he does and probably he doesn't. While I understand my own propensity to weigh that balance in the "doesn't" favor ... I just stopped myself and realized this:

Why the hell is this such a brain fuck anyway? I mean, really, the fact that I have to wonder is really all I need to know. I can play this game all day, and fill both the pros and the cons columns ... but really, why play this head game AT ALL? I deserve better.

I had two fuck buddies and haven't really made contact with them in some time. Really, the term fuck buddy is a misnomer here because I haven't had penetrative sex in 16 months (yes, I had to count):

You know, really there isn't much they were doing to me that I couldn't do myself ... and I'm pretty good at knowing what the hell I like. I'll just handle my own business. I deserve better.


I have a bit of a confession - I know that I am struggling with losing weight because before I put the weight back on, I was promiscuous as hell. I know how the dating scene works and I know that all the attention I don't get now will start coming on back when I get to about 160-165 pounds. (Sweet Jesus, they wouldn't leave me along!) And a part of me just doesn't want to deal with the superficiality of it all.

But there's a part of me that wants to at least FEEL healthy and FEEL attractive - I really just need to commit to diet AND exercise, because ... I deserve better.