Freeing me, Freeing him

On the heels of my last post about Emotional IQ, I write about my emotions. Did I tell you that earlier this month my first wrote me an email to tell about about how much he would ALWAYS love me and that he was going to ask his boyfriend to marry him?

(I don't make this shit up - the ridiculousness of it is just about right for the shit I deal with)

He wrote: I did promise myself years ago that I would make love last next time. I think I truly can this time. But I couldn't in good conscience tell [my boyfriend] how special he is to me without telling the first man to fill and break my heart that I will spend my years and death loving him too.

My roommate came into my room the night I read this in Chicago ... I don't even remember what he wanted. But whatever my grunt of a response was, he said, "are you ok?"

I was processing the whole of his email - I mean, we revisited this thing already and I don't want to spend the rest of my life reliving this shit. I don't want to live in the past. We were young, we were stupid .. and now we're 700 miles apart and I didn't really find him at all attractive when I saw him last year (after 12 years of pining for him!) and realizing that he was wanting my blessing to move on was a bit heavy on me.

So, I mustered all the grown-man I had in me and responded:

I am so glad you are where you are, that you can more than entertain the notion of a lifelong love ... that you are actually embarking on that journey. I do understand that no one else could ever be first, but I'm sure [your boyfriend] is better in every way ... more recent, more close, more there - and loving me pales in comparison with being IN love, in every way. Go, with my blessing, and be the best husband you can be.

Tonight he changed his FB status to "engaged." His boyfriend has said yes ... and deep down inside I'm happy for him. I really, truly am. On the surface, however, it stings slightly that he never, EVER responded to my email ... and I feel used. Like, he read my response - got from it the green light that he wanted and I didn't even get a thank you.

So, here I am, ready to let it go with two simple words:

You're Welcome.