Did the title get your attention?
Allow me to preface this post by saying that I love my mother. Mainly, however, it's because my culture demands that I do. Sons in the Latino culture are supposed to look after their mommas - we're just supposed to. And my family is good about laying on the guilt trip to make sure the sons do their mothers' bidding. In the absence of that culture, I might actually abhor my mom, though.
Her actions made it very clear to me growing up that she did not want me. But I sought her love and affection anyway. And it never came - ever. Yet still, if something or somebody makes my mother cry ... I can't explain it. If I hear her cry, a little part of me feels like its dying.
Today, my cousin called me to tell me that our second cousin was shot and killed in Florida. I didn't know this kid, but clearly he was family. See, my mother is the youngest of 5 siblings and I am HER youngest. In our family, I am the youngest of the cousins and my cousin who lost her son today? She the eldest of my mother's eldest sibling.
Get it? We're completely different generations and didn't spend much time together. But the call came in that my aunt is in mourning and is a mess at having lost her grandson. She wants her sisters. Like, my mother.
But no one can find my mother - so I get a call with all this information.
I go crazy calling her numbers and no answer. I know my mother MUST be in some casino somewhere and sure enough I eventually get a call back. It went something like this:
Mom: I didn't know that kid, Alex.
Me: Ma - I didn't either - but your sister is a mess and is ASKING for you.
Mom: Well, I'm at a slot machine and it's GIVIN' it to me and I'm happy.
Me: Ok. Have fun.
Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Your sister, who recently buried her son who succombbed to AIDS-related illnesses, just lost her grandson ... and is ASKING for you. And you won't walk away from a slot machine?
People, I'm stunned. I'm just stunned. That's some cold shit right there - selfish, coldhearted shit. And I can't even be bothered with her right now.
Today on This Meatless Life...
5 years ago
Dios MIO! Wow. Your mom has definitely won the prize with that one.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know what else to say.
WOW, the way our issues appear on the surface can be totally unreal and harsh. Yes, your mom maybe just selfish and uncaring, but more likely she just doesn't have the skills to deal with this death. In our communities we are the true Walking Dead! Too often we are so scarred and broken that we are unable to participate in our own lives much less support others emotionally or even nurture others. If mental health was as applauded as phat rims, dope outfits and glorious greens, we would all be alright!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous - Oh, she's certifiable, yes - but what would it cost yo to sit in her living room and sip coffee with her even if she didn't want to speak. She's ASKING for you. ASKING for you. And my damn mother didn't even CALL.
ReplyDeleteShe's selfish. Period. Today I get a call and what does she want to talk about?
My mother is one of five siblings. One of the five never had children. Of the remaining four, my mother is the only one who hasn't had to bury any of her children.
Basically, she asked me not to die.
I do feel your pain and I am so happy that you got the help you needed to develop into a more whole and healthy being (and funny to boot!). Like you my mother was not very nurturing and while she probably feels I am her best friend, she is not mine and I have tons of resentment about being an adult far too soon. But it is what it is. I can't change her no matter how much I want to or try and for my mental health I have had to pray and slowly learn how to limit our interactions and my expectations. It sucks when you have to be the adult when all you want is to be a kid for once and to be loved and cared for...
ReplyDeleteAnd I love your blog; you are a fantastic writer! Good luck with the Mommy thing:-)